New words and Old Hopes

Well, the new words of the week are
ahhgnah! (onion) and
ahhmnah! (omelet)
and he seems to be more into trying to copy me saying things... not very successfully, but at least utterances that attempt to follow.

Except he now says Go Go Go Go all the time. Gogo. GoGO! and i have no idea what it is supposed to mean.

And Nah! Well, it means "light" as in "let me turn the light off and on", but he has also been saying it as we go down the street. I am stymied. Who knows.

And does anyone know where I can get some Signing Time dvds second hand? We are ready for new ones, but at $20 a shot, plus shipping, plus we have to pay tax on them when the post office delivers them (coming from the states) it adds up. With it so popular, one would think that they would be available second hand a lot. Doesn't seem so. Almost all the ones available on ebay are almost the same price as the new ones, AND signingtime.com seems to sell on ebay as well. So no $3 deals on ones bought by parents who ended up having early talkers, or who just weren't into it etc... so if anyone has any leads...

On another front...

These days I seem to be sort of bumming a lot... looking at families with bio kids, where I think... well, they fell in love and made a baby and are raising the kid together. What happened to my expectation that ONE day, only ONE person needs fall in love with me, only one... and I'd have a life partner. Even someone to have gone through the infertility and the adoption with. In some ways I feel really inadequate. Unlovable (ok, yes I am loved by a lot of people... old friends, ex lovers, my parents... but that is not what I mean... ) and undesirable. Unwanted and I just feel that there is really little point in sticking my neck out again, to hope, and once again have it all fall through. Worse when there is a little boy involved. Bad enough his major role model is someone I didn't want for a partner (and who didn't want me)... he hardly needs to get attached to someone I have active relationship issues with, a breakup, mama being heartbroken etc. Egads.

I really feel life is so much more on an even keel when I have nothing up. No hopes, expectations, nothing rising or failing. But how did I get here. I never in a million years expected to reach 45 without a real relationship... maybe a divorce, or breaking up after ten years or something. But really... has there EVER been a real REAL beginning of a relationship? With expectations to stay together (other than the honeymoon dating period)? With future plans together and investment in the future? hah.

Really. I expected someone to come along who I loved and admired, who would love and admire me, in all my me-ness and quirkiness, faults and good points. I really expected to be living with someone, with children and then grandchildren. Admit it, I expected a marriage, whether with a man or a woman. When I was younger I debated seating plans for my wedding in my mind, who would give me away... my mom, my dad, his wife... all that hassle. and somehow all that has come and gone.

What future now. I don't know. It seems I have my career, bought my house, adopted my child, all by myself. If I meet someone now, they have to FIT INTO my life, rather than create one with me. Voilà: me, house, kid, dog. I cannot even begin to imagine it.

But it just feels a bit surreal. This person I have become. Less giving. Less trusting. Less tolerant. Less open. More defensive. Less patient. More closed. Less innocent and hoping. Less enthusiastic. So many times having given my all and then finding out that my gifts were considered burdens, or my best sunday breakfasts were "tolerated" or that special times created were considered annoyances, sex proffered seen as demands. Depressing.

Watching "Ten Years Younger", I could totally relate to those who just give up. Who just put on what is easiest in the morning. The same clothes as ten years ago. They wear out, buy the same things, maybe in a bigger size if you've put on weight or filled out with age.

Where did that passionate energetic girl go? With ideals and hopes and throwing love in gushing torrents, who'd stay up all night to make things just right to impress someone else? She just wants to sleep in, wear her old jeans and a sweatshirt now, and keep her hands warm in this cold weather.

Comments

[MIJK]

would you forgive a 32 year old married with children girl if she said that somehow it sounds not so much as life dissappointment but as newly mom tiredness? I mean I recognise so much and I had the wedding and the husband..

That and you've worked so hard to get the boy and now all the braincells used for fretting and panicking and paperchasing and daydreaming are out of work?

Thinking of you!

[Sassy]

Thanks for sharing such a personal insight. I'm a million miles away from your situation but I think I get it a bit. I think it's hard for anyone to come to terms with the difference between what we'd like our lives to be and the way things come together. Even if the lives we have are pretty awesome after all.

[Cricket]

Happy Valentine's Day to you, too. This is a rough week for me. I am sick to death of smiling, happy couples with 2.4 children.

[Alison Cummins]

Yeah, this is tough. The upside is that you do have that life and family that you built yourself. You may not be in a Pollyanna frame of mind right now, but it's true.

I'm partnered now, but if that were to change I think that would be it. I would die single. No more energy or hope to put into starting over. And then - I wouldn't be a homeowner any more and I still wouldn't have kids. I wouldn't have a career I'd built on my own skills and creativity, but the same series of corporate jobs I'd been slotted into and made the best of. I'd be pretty bereft. I'm quite sure it's not healthy to be that dependent on one other person for a place in life.

But yeah, it's hard when you don't feel loved and wanted and chosen. I won't deny it.

Hugs!

[Val]

I think we can all relate to a certain extent.
"If I meet someone now, they have to FIT INTO my life, rather than create one with me. Voilà: me, house, kid, dog."
[or in my case: me, farm, kid, clinic, dogs/cats/horses/etc -- AAIIUUUUGH! TOO MUCH BAGGAGE!] In an old journal entry, I likened it to being isolated on a mountain peak; who would want to go through the trouble of climbing up to reach me?!?
One day at a time; I'm afraid I have nothing more profound than that...