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Monday, January 23, 2006

Comments

usedtobecubbiegirl

Um..hello. I could have written that entry myself.

You have to decide. That's really what it comes down. You have to make the decision which is more important. Having a baby, or having him. And THEN you hope that you can do both. I had to make the decision that I was going to become a mom NO MATTER WHAT. So each thing that happened with Geo that went against that, I brushed off. I became a mom with a boyfriend who didn't think it was a good idea. He came around. It's a crappy position to be in. But you have to decide what would make you most happy. And then hope that you can work it out so that you can do both.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Cricket

I guess I would say that I live not to regret, to anticipate what I'll need in advance. If that means having some sort of family to visit you when you're 80 in a nursing home (per Julianna today), then either route you mentioned could work. If it really means caring for a baby, then no, but then it might be tough for you to get a baby through foster-adopt, no?

My 2yr relationship is now re-defined and barely hanging on, not for lack of love, but for lack of other compatibilities relating to children. It sucks.

Jo

Becoming a family is not an easy road, not for anyone, I think, even when it looks easy from the outside. I am afraid I am biased, when I think of someone deciding not to become a foster parent. These kids need loving homes, and isn't too early to hang big decisions on this new relationship? Hugs to you, as you try to pick your way through this field of emotional landmines...

jenny

Wow. Emotional landmines, indeed. I have no advice to offer, except to encourage you to make decisions that make you feel good. Momentum will build, making it easier to continue making decisions that fulfill you.

It can be so hard - downright diabolical - to find enough internal quiet to be able to read your heart's compass. To let go of all of the "what if's" and follow instinct. I still haven't figured out how to do it most of the time. I wish you luck and peace.

achromic

If I may, just to voice my opinion of which your are free to ignore, go get your kid... yes yours. The one you know is out there waiting for you. If what you have with him is met to be then he will change his mind about "freedom" if it is not then it wasn't worth you scarficing more time to find out how not worth it is. Yes I know I said to go for him before this ...... however I didn't realize that you had what I call a "true belief" diffrence. That means that you hold on to a belief about something that makes you you. If you try and comprimise this belief for his you will IMHO have regret....... you may regret the loss of him when it happens but I think it will pain you FAR more to linger here and loose your dreams.

achromic

P.S. it may help to remeber that others have left him for a reason..... they can't ALL have been psycho b*tchs from hell NO matter what he says. My exp. says what was lacking in him for them will be lacking for you as well. True I don't know him and I don't know his exes so I could be wrong they COULD all be psycho b*tchs but I would bet against it.

Overwhelmed!

cluttergirl- I've just started reading your blog (I'm enjoying it so far!) so forgive me for not knowing a lot of your background yet. Still, I wanted to comment on your latest entry where you write:

'What if now I go forward with the adoption thing, and end up with the relationship gone, and a child whose problems I cannot handle alone to boot? '

Here are my thoughts:

1) God will never give you more than you can handle. If you are given a special needs child to care for, I think you'll surprise yourself by finding the strength needed to raise and care for that child. And if you're going through a foster-adopt program, the state offers many services to help you be successful. Not only that, I'm sure you'll be surprised by the support you'll receive from family and friends (or friends that are like family). You'll never be "alone" in raising your child.

2) Don't give up on your desire to become a mother, for a man you've only been dating 2 months. You may love him (and his children) but the love that you will feel for the child that you'll be placed with will far exceed that love and the love for your child will last a lifetime!

When we were matched and our son was born and placed in my arms at 2 minutes old, I had no idea how powerful the bonds of love would be between me and this child. It took my breath away! That love has only grown and flourished over the past 13 months. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my child. He illuminates my life with his smiles, affection, and unconditional love!

You deserve to experience that kind of love. Don't let anyone stop you from seeking it out! YOUR needs need to come first here, not your boyfriend's needs.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now. I wish you the best. I'll be reading to see how it all works out!

Lisa Ferris

I think that yes, you have to decide which you want more...and then see if you can have both. Go after which situation you want,first. Whether it be life with him and freedom or a kid and an end to the single life.

Your post reminded me of something that happened to me when I was pregnant. I was so happy to be pg. Then, at about 3 months pg. I went to a mall that I hadn't been to for a while. I use to be a competitive figure skater, and I skated at a rink in this mall a lot and had a lot of friends there.

When I went there, I found that they had covered the rink with cement and put in its place these tacky merry go rounds and kiddie rides. Screaming kids were running everywhere.

And I thought..."There went my youth, my singlehood, my freedom, cemented over and gone. No more flying around the ice, just me in control of my body, freedom. Now, irritating, screaming kids and their irritating screaming merry-go-rounds. What in God's name am I doing?"

I was depressed for weeks. I thought of every damned thing I was going to lose by having children. Skating, sleeping in, sleepting at all, just running to a movie or a restaurant, traveling...etc. Gone. I realized that I was going through a morning period. I was mourning the single me that was dying. God, I was going to be a muth-errr. How glamourous.

But although you do lose part of that you, when you have kids and fall in love with them, you discover whole different parts of you. You discover new things to be excited about. First steps, the little enlightning conversations you have...all the mother stuff really is enough, even though sometimes it sucks. (As does single life.)

I'm writing a novel here and this is getting long....but one more thing. You shouldn't think of your single-type freedom being gone forever. Intense part of parenthood lasts only a few short years. Then you will get some of your old single freedom back, but with the added motherhood part as well. Parenting-the verb-is somewhat a temporary indeavor. Parenthood-the noun-lasts forever.

I'm really not trying to push you to the kid route. Whatever you decide will be right for you, although I know its an anguishing decision. I've been where you are. (and I just got a bit luckier in the fertility department, makes things a LOT easier, I know). So, hopefully this isn't too ass-vice-y, just sharing my perspective.

Good to have you back!

Lisa

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